I dun know how to start for the begining of this post, so much things to write, and much of it, probably disappear in that special place.. Probably, those thinking had stayed there.....
If u ever ask me before, what hobbies do i have, or what i like to do few years back... I probably tell you, "sleep, dvd" no hobbies actually... i guess that was happen was i was in the force...... Til the day, i learnt tango..... I found myself falling in love, research on their culture, the way is dance and some of the meaning... It might not be a "glamour" dance from it earliest day, but i am sure it has alot of meaning than it now........ I did not dance to know guys or hug them... I find myself loving the culture, somewhere somehow last time, but no courage to learn.
I am very sure, like what issac say, it take alot of "bad times" to learn this dance..... I think and read, is the heart breaking stories, those day were u were in each other arms, looking into each other eyes, where silence is communication............ u just felt the love, without saying " i love u " of course, after 5 years, i miss my honeymood period, now, silence mean nothing to say or purely sleeping........... dancing make me find the inner emotions......to feel it myself but is not having to sleep with some guys......
Maybe, people who dun know or have no interest about this dance, know really nothing..... I understand is difficult to see your bf/gf/wife/husband to be embrace in the arms of the opposite sex. But is a dance, or u all can learnt....... I realise i have been living for people and not myself, they complain of u naggy. When you start to live for yourself, people can't accept...
I used to learn class 2b, cause i knew he wish that his partner will ride with him.... i tried but with bad falls, and thoughts during that time. I decided, it was not worth it... Jody Jody will never do that..... I thought he could understand why i love tango, not because of the dance, but the culture, and i dun force him to learn, because he dun like it, and i know how it feel.........
Just as when you are happily to go for a Christmas lunch, things had to go wrong. I dun know if he woke up the wrong side of the bed or i went dancing til late. Everyting that he say this afternoon, was alll against me ! It was my fault to learn dancing, it was my fault to go KL ( which i am ok to do, not desire ), my fault to take a break to open my eyes........
I ask Him, have you ever read "rich dad, poor dad", when the young boys wanted to be rich, but rich dad told them they have to work for free first. But they didn't understand it.. Rich dad told them to go with a open mind but just told whatever people told you........ You will learn.... They did found something they will make they rich, but illegal - consolations - the idea was close.
During these 2 months of not working, trying to find myself, who am I, or what do i like ? I did sacrifice, yes by not working, is was not enjoyment, it was a journey to find who am I, and what am I ? Some people didn't even know their true self or what they are for the rest of their life.... I merely just wanted to solve a very complex question of myself.... You think expert can solve some virus or bad economy in a seconds.... It might take years.................... I think i was lucky, i learn and i talk, and i had to accept an listen negative remarks about myself and accept it and plan to change.....
When i embark the journey of taking financial paper, I tried my best, but taking paper, doing it, can't complete within 1 month, it might take 2 or 3 months... What can i do ? And for what reason, i had to go KL, to sleep and have coffee, and to spend your money ? I had enough, i dun need you to buy me ring ( which people thought u have ). I did it myself with pride. I was ACCUSED of only learning and liking Tango ONLY. I felt saddness, my tears went down my cheecks... U didnt even know how it feel to live of people..... I hate it !
I decided not to go for his family xmas gathering lunch, that i know i will not enjoy....When i was crying, he did not say anything at all..... ( I think ) he feel that i was just being emo, crying and i shouldn't be feeling that at all... I told him i will pick him up later, he storm off and did not say anything.. It was all ABOUT him....... nothing about me........... He told them, i had things to do, i am not staying... Be a man, tell the truth, whatever truth, u beating, u forcing me to do something i never had a choice.... When i saw the sister walking out, i felt disgusted, i remember the message, always...............
I cried badly, and i raf the car down the slope, sobbing badly to the place where I will feel serene.... I kept on crying non stop til i reach the place. I reached, off the engine, had a very very long and sad cry.... I just wanted to lie on a shoulder......... of course, there was no people other than me. Even if he is beside me, he wont even care......
I cried myself silly on a Christmas Day, which i totally enjoy the xmas eve.... I dun mind not having gifts, not spending with loved one, not having turkey.... I really mind crying alone in one corner of singapore...... i kept on thinking of what june wrote to me.... is a tough choice, these 2 weeks remain critical of my choice ahead..... I dun know how to explain u, what is what.. it will be negative comments.......... I wanted to leave the thinking til KL. It seem that i got base answer.
No matter what happen, I decided not to rely on you from next year........ I will be myself, doing what will make me happy and not u happy....... I dun need wild, crazy love, the way i like when i was younger. I love it simple love, small little things. I think, "Dun love a man, understand them. Dun understand woman, love them ! " Hypothesis : A woman dun mind doing anything for the man he love, even when she know he dun loved her.
Maybe, you need to give up whatever important things you think it is, car, bags, friends, love, to truly achieve or get something more than that. I was actually at the place for 2 hours, alone... crying most of the time......
I am glad that i have friends around me during 2 months....... You all make me realise what i am, and what it make me....... Jody will raise up to expectations, and overcome. It not easy next year, is going to be tough, tough and maybe alone.......
Merry Xmas, i can't remember what else to write, i am tired, my eyes are swollen, and after i cry, is very tiring for me. especially when u have limited rest. I wonde how is feel to have a good xmas celebration.with the person u love.... 3 years not spending xmas together, finally when u r in sin, i am not involve.
I still need to upload pictures ( to be continue )
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