Loney Week

Wednesday,

Went for body pump, then realise they have CX class, wanted to make sure i am really tired so that i wont think of you. Ended up getting more sick...

Even when i posted my friend, only friend in the gym... You rather like other people post, pretending not to see mine? You dont even want to text to care about me

Tuesday 

Dear , I couldn't sleep well cause I think of you in the middle of the night. When I finally fall back asleep after 1 hr. I was so tired and restless when I wakie. Went to work , then I went to booked my first solo trip to Gold Coast. The computer was a little slow. So I miss out the special limited deal, ended not saving that 80-100 dollars. But is ok. I can't wait till next week cause Jolene has already booked and she will killed me.

So I didn't care and just booked without any offer. I chose the stretch seat for the emergency row exit because I am traveling alone. And is my bdae, I want to enjoy just a little bit since u already left. So that I can go toilet and be quiet for my trip .And the fact that Jolene Acc me, is so priceless .

I am excited the trip in 10 weeks time that I didn't really have time to think of you. But I don't know where to go and stay. Abit of insecurity, but I will put thru it right ?

I went to Bugis alone, shop at sephora alone. Eating at mof alone. Since I have the card, it has always been with you. I guess is just  time for me to really eat alone. Since u don't wanna to care about me anymore, not even as a friend. Can't text or what... So I shall disappear from everyone cause nobody seem to care how much shit I went thru.

I really miss u a lot yesterday. It has been 10 days since I last seen u. It has been at most 3-4 days without seeing u. Is quite suffering, but thinking of the steak, I guess is difficult to think of u the same way, a loving person to me. To think I have u time to sleep u were out there delivering food to Wanda to come back to a more tiring person to be with me. 

It was really a difficult month full or quarrels, sadness and tears, I managed to pull it thru....

Monday

Baby, today feel so so slow.... I am not in a good mood cause I really miss u... I just wanna hug u cry on ur shoulder. Tell me everything is gonna be alright...I haven got a good sleep for the longest time.... What about u ? Is everything good ? 

From being lazy to go to gym, to finish one ABT class to running another 25min.

Scoot sales is tmr, we shall see what offer we can get ?

 Sunday

1317HRS

Dear,  almost every Sunday.  Around  this time my phone will ring n u have just wakie. .

I will nappy n wait for here to come hug me n sleep again. I miss ur hugging. The way u made me comfortable n snooze to sleep.

Now I don't know what to do. Just hugging tigger now. 

Dear, I forced myself to dress up,took train to the airport, became auntie to change my points to voucher. Forced myself to be patient, to wait 20 min to be service and then another 20 min to q for the noodle.

Then I went to t1 Starbucks, because we always travel out of using t1. Sit there have a hot caramel macchiato that u introduced to me , with red velvet muffins.

 Sometime, I think you are really patient with love or me. You endured shit from me for almost 4 years. And you are different from justin, u hardly raise your voice and you never lay hands on me, instead you give me massage, hugs and kisses and always try to ensure I sleep first. I really enjoyed it. Now , I hardly fall asleep peacefully. I miss those moment when I hug u comfortably and enjoyed the feeling and not think of anything and just fall asleep. Sometime u hug me from the back. With you around, there are no nightmare. Probably I did not try to love you enough. And I am not aware that you lost feeling for me. My gut feel has already told me we shouldn't be too serious but u insisted u r serious with me. Things did not get any better along the way. We did not work hard together also.

When I got back home, I felt the emptiness.i see you are not around. I miss u again. I so want to hug u badly, guess won't be so appropriate since is the fasting month, plus  u r going back to your original roots.

I cried again. I so want to text you,so I wrote a post instead. I need a hug now. I hope u still miss and us, and that I always have a special place in that little corner of yours.

Depressing Sat

Dear,i dont know why, I just miss you alot today. I could hardly sleep yesterday night. I miss you so much... Finally, i decided to try to msg you. But ...


Seem that i am worse off as a friend, u didnt even want to reply me at all....

 You are still on my favourite dial on the phone.....

I miss us. I miss you presence beside my, if i just want to see you few hours in a week, possible ? Unlikely, you dont even want to reply.

Went to gym yesterday, cause i miss you so much... 3 weeks ago... we were having dinner and walking at tiff & co

Apparently, I am not.....anymore....


you wrote on 20110708 :
"may,1st. on one of my little escape with fellow colleagues, i met her.

aint exactly the type that i will go ga ga for.. but there was just something different about her that i could not lay my finger on.

we didnt spoke much that night. but i was interested to get to know her better. (thank God for FB!)

started out with several chats online, a few days of whatsapp-ing.. and little did i expected, since our first date together, we have been spending (almost) everyday together till date.

despite her confidence and (at times fierce) appearance, theres a sweet hidden side of her that only few could see.

her cheekiness and care and concern nature melts me. she saw the potential within me and constantly pushes me just so i'd improve myself.

i remembered one evening chatting with her online when she asked to go for service together.. my heart skipped a beat!

when i thought, i'd never learn to trust again... she proved me wrong."

 

20110723

..and the long week goes on.

its a saturday evening. happy coz its the weekend and its off day. excited? not at all..

the hectic week is not pretty much over. oh well.

just got home from late lunch with JQ. miss her so much that finally meeting her was.... *indescribable

squeezed a couple of minutes these past few days to catch a glimpse of my dear, but my heart just grew fonder.

 

 

Kinda of disapointing that you are "not free" to msg me but you can like all these photo. A guy after all.

That kind of hurt when you helped the person and not expect anything , you get stabbed in your back.

26 June 2015

Baby, I forced myself to sleep like early yesterday like around 11pm. I actually doze off before that, maybe the period is coming and I didn't sleep well for very long. Keep on waking up and thinking what you are doing yet I can't msg at all.

Wakie around 4 plus , pee then had diarrhea after I went back to bed. Washed up, boiled hot water then tried to rest but cannot. Then finally make myself comfortable, fall asleep and dream of u again. But this time round, got another woman. Waking up feeling annoyed.

Baby, you think I can msg you tonight like for fun? Baby , how com you not so friendly and over friendly. As a friend, I am worse off than Wanda ? You don't even wanna text me ? I feel like sending you email ? Should in? A good idea ? U seem happy ? I guess your love for me wasn't love then. I was just someone who response back to your over friendly message, bought your food and drinks to npp. Gave up my past relationship because of you cause I thought you were serious with me but then 4 years later things got quite clear.

But I still wanna ask how are you ? How is bazaar? How is everything ? I really care about u.

Dear, I am in shocked now ! You actually cooked steak and passed to Wanda personally at her house. You told me you are busy but you msg her whole day, you got her number and you are always the first person to text her. And u even 😘her.i am quite speechless. You have her your 2nd no cause you don't want me to know. Woh.... So much so for asking u to change new phone. More for flirting and using my money. I don't feel so bad using it money now.

I thought you were resting at home. You actually went to meet her. No wonder you look so tired when you meet me. You were happy buying cause is for her.

Thanks. It make me easier for me after reading and knowing that. You wanted to date her for sure. I have many questions but is ok. I guess I have them filled and explained in some shocking way. I guess I have to walk the remaining 1 1/2 years myself.

Put it in simple terms : He doesn't need me in his life, because he is happy to cook steak for Wanda for the first time, and sending straight to her place. Oh so the 50 dollars come from where. Some other conversation maybe . Or the phone. And mashing her day in day out. I was there more for like ?sex life and his is like companion to me.

Wanda, thanks for being such a wonderful friend. Glad that the truly enjoyed the steak my ex cooked for you after his post night and send directly to your house, when he met me he was so tired he just want to sleep. Thanks for entertaining him in his msg almost every morning and at the end of the day when I don't even get that. I am sure friends just transferred money to each other and miss each other.

25th June 2015

25 June 2015

Morning baby 😘

I forced myself to sleep early yesterday. So feel like messaging u good night, but of course the msg didn't get send out. What will happen if u receive my msg ?

You seem to have a busy night yesterday. I wakie few times in the night ,had some problem sleeping back, need to find tigger for comfort. The side you used to sleep is packed with bolster so I don't feel so empty.

I dream of you in the morning . A weird and stupid dream that you jumping and climbing at the bamboo pole of my house. Then u fall but managed to grab the 9th floor bamboo and climb back in.

B, u think I can meet u a while like this weekend, just make me slowly withdraw, let me see u slowly bit by bit. I kinda of feel is easier for u to forget me, u r packed with so many stuffs. I wonder do u still feeling pressing 10th floor , or when u drive to hq, will u just drive straight first instead of turning left. Does anything remind you of me ?






Left office, walked passed the heavy vehicle carpark, it feel so empty without u red little car around.

Baby, I didn't do too well for my body combat. I keep thinking of you. I cried and cried, mixing the tears and sweat. I wonder was it from the Thursday that we went Ecp, that I told u to get satay for your mummy, and I didn't tell u I wanted 10min of quality from you. Cause u were so tired from sending your dad to tanah metal ferry and didn't sleep. My leave was sacrifice. When u wakie , first thing u want to go back to. But do u know that day, I hardly kiss and hug you.

Can you make it easier for me, let me see u a while and withdraw out. Then to keep thinking how you have been ? Why did u say you care about me , but more like lip service. I didn't even acknowledge my msg. U didn't even ask how am I? 我真的很难熬。很辛苦。不知道更辛苦.


How about msg me and ask me how thing, than to like all those climb photo ?

I been kissing tigger, thinking is you.... i miss you..

2nd week without ZP Dear

Wednesday, 24 June 2015 

 Hey baby, it was great to fall asleep early and it was kind of good sleep. Probably, my period is coming and I didn't really sleep well for the past weeks. The smell on tigger was so great, probably put me to ease a lot. Sound crazy but I love it.not sure it will last me how long.

Baby, it has been 10 days. I still kinda of miss u beside me. Knowing yesterday you wasn't on the phone so much, hope is not a busy night but u sleeping soundly and early. Actually u have kept me happy for at least 5 years. What else can I ask for you? I let u go so that I won't be selfish to u. Bearing me for 48 months was probably the best you could do for me. It was sad things end that way. Not sure if I am one of your serious gf.  Didn't even know ur past relationship.

This morning I went to work, passed by kallang mrt. I can only think of 6300 and u waiting for the smelly after-exercise me.... Then u give me a kiss... Miss ur kisses ...miss ur hug

Finally, you get your long sleep i hope. Your love for me for the last 4 years was the best things that happen. i am sorry that i didnt treasure you alot. I hope we are still good friends, and we still can talk and care about each other.

Trying to go holiday without you is hmm.. challenging.. without to endure my snoring, not sure what will happen, with you by myside give me alot of security.

Baby, you think we can be like other couple， cool for 2 weeks then be ok for a while. Or maybe u really totally don't have feeling for me. Should I wait until your fasting time and give us sometime... Or maybe I should fast by not seeing u for fasting month... Is gonna be so hard for me

Hey dear, I did better in the evening today. I guess u have more rest today. I tried to see less or "you" online. I did what Jolene say, concentrate on searching my Gold Coast. I went to gym. I worked harder carrying weight, thou I did think of you - whether did u go to gym these few weeks. Did u carry weights? How would I be for me to carry weights beside u.... Maybe going to gym is really a good distress method to forget certain things. I did not cried while running. Everytime I think of you,I increased the speed of treadmill , so that I need to work hard and breath harder so I don't think of you so much. I made myself run longer and harder today. Life without you,gym is almost my only friend. I have to keep myself tired so that the only thing I get home is rest with tigger.

I don't have appetite for dinner nowadays cause they are tasteless to me, without u. Nights like this I just drink water, go back wash up, cry a little and then rest with tigger. I miss hugging u to sleep, it was so comfortable then I can fall sleep anytime. I miss those noise from tv programme that I don't watch. Now my room are just empty and silence. 

The train just crossed geylang bazaar, thinking of all the Kerbab and my fav you char kuay with the bird nest drink we always shared under the hot tentage. I opened my email, and saw Jody Gideon, I eyes become wide open for a moment, then I realize it was a mail that I send from our combined email.

 Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Dear Dear, today I tried not to stalk you as much. I tried to be more logical in the day telling myself, you don't love or have feeling any more .

At night, I tend to miss u more. Even running , I will miss u and cried at the threadmill. I have washed tigger, he didn't sun tanned much and he is smelly. But with him by myside, I sleep better. I made him wear your singlet. Just make me feel close , just like you around. Just like how You always tell me to hug pooh when you are working night shift. Today, I bought Mont Blanc perfume. So tigger can smell like u... So that I sleep better, not like yesterday night, keep on thinking about u.

When I was going home , mummy called me, she brought us durian. She asked where are you, I just said you are working. I still don't know what to say and how to say. knowing that you don't like me anymore.

This morning , I wanted to sms you and meet you. But I hold on and not msg u. I hope I did it right. Am I so annoying to u ?
  
Monday, 22 June 2015

Dear dear I miss u so much, I made smelly tigger wore your singlet. I hug tigger, and it make me feel better when sleeping. It still pained me to know you won't be sleeping by my side anymore I cried by the side of the bed yesterday , calling for dear dear. I miss you so much . I hope u have good rest yesterday.

Dear dear ,miss u at work today on a Monday morning. Can't txt u to let u know I am in office. Can't😘 you. Only can see u online on and off. I went toilet and I cried again. I don't know when this will stop.

Will there be any chance we can come back together for good ? Or I have done it that we can't ?

So feel like texting you if you going to send ur mum to Arab street, I will be around the area. So feel like meeting u, but I don't want you to think I am pestering you. If u miss me , you will text right ?

This 4 years is really nothing to you ? You don't even text me at all ? Not even for one whole week until I texted you. You never ever thought of texting me ? It was so easy for you to forget me, what we did for 4 years together ? Can't you text me is everything fine. I really wish to know why did we ended up like that ? Cause ur parents against and u had no feelings for me ? Since when ? Sea games ? If I ask you will u even tell me or I shouldn't ask at all .

I am disappointed that i text u sunday early morning which you didnt even reply till now. I know you are back to your favorite instagram. Liking many climbing photo, which i never go with you.

Dear dear , couldn't sleep well last night... So tired but always thinking what are you doing , why didn't u txt me, u really don't love me or care for me ? At all ? Since when？you don't even want to see me at all ? You seem so happy moving on ..... Like you never love me before.u hated me so much ?

Dear Dear, I really miss you alot !

It has been one week since we broke up,我很想你，每天都只能看你在whatsapps online，但是又不可以msg 你。我真的很辛苦。没有你在我身边，很不习惯。看不到你，听不到你的声音。吃东西没有味道，睡不好。每天只想看到你。missing you beside me, your snoring , you lying beside me.

I been thinking of you, I was happy that we can finally see each other. I was so happy i get to see u in the early morning then but in the evening.Glad that you remember and called me to go percolate. But I really don't know what to say to u.i have so much to say but I know you don't want to listen. When I told u I haven been eating dinner for last one week, u didn't care also. Knowing that you had new job scope was good , happy for you. I guess you are moving on strong without me by your side.

 

 I really want to ask you,"How have you been for past one week ? Are you happier, are you more relieve ？ is this what you want ? Did u ever think little bit of me last one week ?

Thank you for entertaining my special  request yesterday.you don't really want to do but you never really say no. I missed you hugging me. I know u don't wanna kiss me. But I really want to do it with you.

What can I do to forget you ? I don't think so. It has been a good memory of 4 years. I never feel scared when u r around ,now that you are Not by my side, I feel lost and scared.very lost. All I could do on a Sunday was to lie on the bed and think of you. I didn't even want to do anything else . NOw that you really get your freedom, every few minute u r on whatsapps or instagram. Was it so easy to forget me ?

I miss u so much that I wanna cry again. My room feel so empty without u. Going crazy just by thinking of u... Why ? Why can't we be together . Texted you for the wonderful 4 years you took good care of my as a good friend/lover/partner, and apologise if i hurt you and your family directly and indirectly. Still no response. U really hated me so much ?

dear dear, What can I do if I want us to be back together ?

 

God, tell me what I can do ? To make him for in love with me again. Arent you serious with me before ? at all ?

 

 

 

 

June 2015 - I fuck it up again !

I didnt like month of May, but i didnt knoe the month of June is the most hated month of the year, It is always June, especially Mid-June when i suffered heart breaking things. From BGR breakup, accusation from previous work, to the most recent break up.  I hope it really passed thru real fast.

ZP and I are done. We are not together anymore, and I didnt see him for a week. It breaks my heart, I cried every night and I force myself to go gym and run to make myself real tired. I miss him. I miss him by myside.

4 years. Almost exactly 4 years then and now.

I tried my very best to be very strong. I have to act very cool, despite the motion sickness and the weather and the body who went on hunger strike for one week . It was a headaxhe moments. I try not to think what you are thinking just concentrate  or settling our things. I really hope you are happier  now.

Is finally weekend and i am Sitting at home now. So sad. So sad tgat I no longer have you. Perhaps the greatest lesson and reflection to me. I tried to stopped my finger from texting you it was so hard. I cried every night I forced myself to go gym and then to run again after every class. So I will be son tired to sleep and don't think so much. But I was wrong. It didn't make me tired. I still wake up like normal and wait for weekend to arrive.

I have no apetite. I either eat very little or I skipped it at all. All those food taste so different without u around.  I could only forced myself to swallow a few bite do I won't faint or get gastric.

The aching feeling from the heart. Is so heart breaking.The fact that I can no longer see you like how we always,make me crazy.  Knowing nobody will share the bed and snore beside me. Nobody will care as much as you do. 

We can't turn back time. If we could do like what ha ha do. I want to start every thing proper. Really treasure and love you and do whatever to conquer again.

 I should have flipped my old message real early instead of now.