Frustrated Day/Years

It has been a frustrating 2 Years... When nothing seem to be going right. I guess I have to bear large part of it for not been discipline. I didn't like how I was treated in the force. I eventually left because of their stupid structure thinking the outside world is better. Probably, maybe I just didn't discover yet. Probably, I wasn't really ready due to limited savings and controlling of liquidity funds. I didn't work regularly and smartly. Eventually, the Cost was killing me slowly. I wasn't earning fast enough to recover, I was bleeding... I thought I could slowly recover. But seem, is the same. The cost is high and my income is not even enough to cover. It has always been finding things to cover the here and there. It is so tiring.

One day, while driving, I just felt tired, mentally tired of driving.
Of finding ways to maintain the car which I can't barely support myself. Because of it, my dignity was compromise. To think logically , I don't really need it when I was i became a full pledged paramedic. Office and home was 2.6km. It became habit and too costly to let it go. And now most of the time is at the carpark. As much as I love the car, I knew it was time to let go. Cause I should just really focus on what I want and not what other ppl want. I didn't have branded to start with, but guess it was influence.

I prefer to have a simple life, go to work, with reasonable
Fixed pay. Save up money, go holiday once a while. Probably
That all I can ask for and pray for. Maybe I not really suitable for the competitive business Industry. Maybe I should do outdoor, just concentrate on normal
Job. Just lead a simple and easy life , probably I would be happier. I miss those times when I could depend on my own, buy myself or mummy rings. Pay myself for Things that I want or need. Then to rely or "see their face" to have it. Make me no Integrity and shameless.

For love, I guess I should have not having illusion of love, probably just not on me. Maybe is just not for me or yet, is painful. Seem that I got to beg for it. Yet, sometime I love it when i am loved. How he fetch me to work and pick me up no matter how tired or sleepy he is. But is it enough to sustain, sometimes I feel that he is not fighting hard enough like what he claim that he will.... He rather put up a fight then to never fight at all... Has the fight started ? or when will it actually start ?

The long-Due Gathering

I remember back in March 2007, when J and I had our first break up, I was depressed and sad. I would go to California Gym at Orchard, and be at the treadmill for an hour. Sometimes, Omar and Azhar plus me will go together. ( I lost 6kg from wisdom tooth and 4 more from gym ? but now, nothing seem to work, haiz )

After few weeks, at a dinner gathering, I knew yati, and wan was azhar's buddy during the paramedic course. We spend that evening at Viv0-modesto, bitching.... Those were the days, where we lead our carefree life !
Yesterday, I can be myself again, without the stress and the formailty.. I do not need to watch what I said.. I am one of its own at the group... Size and language, martial status, background, doesnt matter... They accept you for who you are. In the pic -Azhar, Eddy, Wan, Omar, Jody, Yati

We were life savers on the road and we will still be for the people who appreciate us.

Eddy - Currently, student in NYP studying occupational therapy.

Omar - Enrolled Nurse with Ren-Cir

Jody - Financial Planner plus real estate

Azhar - MOE Teacher

No matter what you go, wherever you are, there are still people who care for you and accept the real you.




I remember when i first entered Changi, Omar was there, cause he was Q's good friend. We often change shift, I will work day shift, he will work night, cause the no. of calls are the same and he stay in Boon lay......

Classmates and Councillors for 4 years in Damai Secondary School, Schoolmates in Poly, Colleagues in the force. Friends for 15 years............

So is the clubbing and the KL short trip coming. Cant wait to go out with u all and have fun !

Painful days

It started on a thursday night,because of one small little petty incident leading to an huge argument and it turn quite bad..... Bad..



Next day, went for friday meeting, and after that it became worse.. No communication and all.... Then i decided to go to Roller blade without my guards ( cause is missing ).. Even with slight pain over my ankle..... I manage to blade to Fort road from carpark f2, called people but the kind of response i want... When i u-turn, then he called.... While talking halfway, near area c, BBQ pit 7, I slipped and fell on my buttocks and using my right hand to break the fall... Ouch, it was damn painful, just like when i had a fall last time. I feel giddy, i felt as it I had a Neuro Shock... I felt the cold sweat.....



I was worried about my old injuries at my buttock region, turn out is ok.... But i couldnt feel my right hand. I couldnt grib, i couldnt swing.... I still try to stand and slowly blade back toward the other end of east coast. That is what you need to do it you are alone.

Being a ex paramedic before, u will start to have your provisonal diagnosis.. So i check for swelling and bruises, ROM of my arms. There was no swelling, so cant be #, thought was dislocated, but cant be, cause i still have some form of ROM. I was unable to really pin point the pain, only some generalise pain.

After discussing with 2 operational paramedic, one told me to go hospital, one say can rest and see how....

Few hours later, the pain progress, I was asked by my beloved police, my pain score and ask if i wanted arm sling... :-( I went to H1 to have my arm x-ray. Thank God, there was no #, doctor say i probably brusies my soft tissues and was given pain killer jab on my ass ! Argh ! that's goes my $90 bucks.

No more stupid arguments... is painful....

Another Day....

Before my old age take place, I remember the first time i met him outside club was when I send the club sandwiches. He was on duty and he was back at based having his lunch, and there i thought he didnt eat yet. I decided t dropped the sandwiches with fifi and go off, which he ?speed to there and convince me not to leave there. I saw him parking his car and walked over to my side. That was the first time i saw him wearing uniform, and he was cute. He leaned over the driver's window, and was talking to me.

From his body language, it say almost everything that he is inclined or interested in me. I was like oops...... But guess what, he didnt eat it until the end of the shift or before he met me....

Vagely, I remember while I was out having dinner and drinking session with Fehrin, he msg me and tried to test out if I am interested to join them for movie. I was a bit interested but not a must... The irritating part he ask me how when I told him that I am still drinking with my friend. He hesitate but i got a feeling that he wants me to be there. And I decided to force him to make decision, I told him if u want to go then i go, if not is ok... And true enough, finally, he make a decision. With the alcohol in my blood, I drove Fehrin back to pasir ris then back to town.

I msg him, then he came out to pick me. While watching the movie, he was leaning to my side, and always gently covering me with my shawl, and his hand will gently slide over my right hand. From the touch, I realise something was even wrong. He kept on asking me to lean over to his side which i am like " so much space "

After the movie, they took one thousand and one minutes to decide where to go... He fb, and say he wanted a mermaid, oh well it was a pretty English mermaid, Serena from "Pirates of the Carribean " Finally, they decided to go to starbucks over at scotts. And everybody was driving so slowly... zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZz....

Almost everybody was playing iphone and playing games, he was siting beside me, trying to strike conversation but have nothing to talk to me.... Haiz......

The end of the long and suffering chapter.

So What's new for the last 3 weeks ? Nothing much.... Suppose to be on leave, but guess, ya still being bugged...



Finally, we did close the joint bank account, transer the singtel's line to his name. So basically, left the house and the car.. Car is mostly to sell, only need to collect the stall stuffs from him. I am paying for his expenses, which he just throw and leave it to me. The house, think is in the process of cancelling, but no news yet.

Is a relief to let it go, the long end emotional stress.... Maybe, they were right, I should have let it go long time ago.


No matter how sweet the love is or was, will turn ugly and end.

Floorball Game.

Yesterday, after contemplating whether to go for Tango Practica or Floorball with the church People.... I wanted both, but can only chose one due to the timing. So ya, eventually went for the floorball to do some cardiovascular, I would think Tango will be more on conditioning...... I need to lose weight !!!

I had never play Floorball before, only know it similar to hockey. It was not just sport but fellowship with the rest which i never had chance probably for the last 10 years. As usual, feel that they somehow or rather will be late...... And then, it transform to a place where we can play....

I told myself, I must play the game aggressive, not like when in RTO... I must be aggressive and do my Personal Best.... Be in anywhere..... is true, think during the first game, after 1-2 min, i was like SOB..... But then, I still carry on... I knew I can..... While playing half way through the session, while I heard then say." Just shoot !" I just wacked and looked infront, and the ball hit the goal keeper's chin and it went in, GOAL ! I was contended, but still, i never give up, i continue the game, be it attacker, defender, goal keeper.....

It feel good to sweat, unlike at RTO, probably just 2 hours and you do need to rotate, and there are people who are really competitive... so it just make the game like hmm... I like sports, especially games, and I like it with sportsmanship, not like when u want the opponent to die... Is like guys who smack hard at girl like at beach volleyball... And I like it when I can save the smack ( of course, damn painful lah ) .. Is like, "Nice", whether it goes in anot... But at least I know, I am not as weak as you think I am. I miss beach Volleyball...

The after effect of floor ball, back pain especially the lower back, and slight on the right upper arms... At least I am not like someone, who has almost pain all over their body. And i did had a good rest.... First, it was badminton, then BBQ, then now floor ball. what else, heard is captain's ball............

Amazing Saturday

Something interesting today ( i mean saturday )

Be in the right place and you prosper....

Have you ever see a fish swimming in the water, and feel that is happy....
What happen if you put the fish on the bed..?.

If you are in the right place. u feel happy and things will be fine ......



While talking to Isaac HO, and asking him for guidance, He told me my embrace was good..He say i am stable and relax.and i have my own style. lol.. probably only dancing with him. But my walking backwards needs improvement... He say that we should go for regional festival then go BA. And like what his thinking is, no matter how prepare you are, when you go BA u still hve culture shock...So is better to go there earlier, and to dance better.. Unlike some people thinking who think that u must prepare for long to go there.

While dancing with him yesterday, I was alive, dancing with him is like amazing, no stress.. Without active dancing in milonga and lack of practica for 2/12, I manage to hold myself and dance like what i was lead... I was able to support myself. ochos and pivot and giro, and turn and turn..... His return just spark me back a little which is good...

I had a very random and sudden thoughts, I wish to sell the car, and if I have the profits, I book a ticket to BA, Argentina to learn Dancing and to stay there to clear my mind..... I wish to go there alone or at least with someone that is bearable, meaning not irritating.... I want to be like Isaac, who learn dancing like 10 hours... I forsee that I will sli down tremendously... The amount i pay marie france is worth more there...

It was an enjoyable farewell dinner with Isaac..before he head off to BA again. Knowing more stories about people, he is sure one of the people that can read me.... :-)

While talking yesterday, I told him if i am succesful ( in work or dancing ) cause u made me.. missing u from half of the world, just maybe make me want to be with u more.

what touches me was, i am not pretty, i am not slim, i am neither soft or caringbut u love me for who am