Frustrated Day/Years

It has been a frustrating 2 Years... When nothing seem to be going right. I guess I have to bear large part of it for not been discipline. I didn't like how I was treated in the force. I eventually left because of their stupid structure thinking the outside world is better. Probably, maybe I just didn't discover yet. Probably, I wasn't really ready due to limited savings and controlling of liquidity funds. I didn't work regularly and smartly. Eventually, the Cost was killing me slowly. I wasn't earning fast enough to recover, I was bleeding... I thought I could slowly recover. But seem, is the same. The cost is high and my income is not even enough to cover. It has always been finding things to cover the here and there. It is so tiring.

One day, while driving, I just felt tired, mentally tired of driving.
Of finding ways to maintain the car which I can't barely support myself. Because of it, my dignity was compromise. To think logically , I don't really need it when I was i became a full pledged paramedic. Office and home was 2.6km. It became habit and too costly to let it go. And now most of the time is at the carpark. As much as I love the car, I knew it was time to let go. Cause I should just really focus on what I want and not what other ppl want. I didn't have branded to start with, but guess it was influence.

I prefer to have a simple life, go to work, with reasonable
Fixed pay. Save up money, go holiday once a while. Probably
That all I can ask for and pray for. Maybe I not really suitable for the competitive business Industry. Maybe I should do outdoor, just concentrate on normal
Job. Just lead a simple and easy life , probably I would be happier. I miss those times when I could depend on my own, buy myself or mummy rings. Pay myself for Things that I want or need. Then to rely or "see their face" to have it. Make me no Integrity and shameless.

For love, I guess I should have not having illusion of love, probably just not on me. Maybe is just not for me or yet, is painful. Seem that I got to beg for it. Yet, sometime I love it when i am loved. How he fetch me to work and pick me up no matter how tired or sleepy he is. But is it enough to sustain, sometimes I feel that he is not fighting hard enough like what he claim that he will.... He rather put up a fight then to never fight at all... Has the fight started ? or when will it actually start ?