So many thoughts and emotions coming to my mind right now.... What is it that, I dun see, to be achieving what I know i can achieve... What am i not doing not right ? I know i can do it, but it seem like as i get older, i dun seem to be so focus and fight for what I want anymore.. I simply just change my plan or do not see the goal I used to set anymore.. Where are those times when i Know what i wanted ? When i so want to get a driving license that i work part time at Quickly bubble tea as a server which pay me at $4.50 per hour so that i can learn my driving at $20 per hour. I worked like hell, carry stuffs, smell like fried chicken so that i get what i want.. I simply dun get any luxury item, all went to driving. I was even doing canoe polo at that point of time, leading as vice-captain as the female team... Things that matters to the mind seem to vanish....
I remember 2007 was also so called consider a not so smooth year for me... I had intention to leave after the 2 years bond as a operational paramedic... But at that time, BGR affected me badly, the only thing I told myself I would not drown my sorrow in Alcohol like Ling.. I went to gym so often with omar and all, sometimes alone, spending up to 1hr at the treadmills looking at the streets of orchard..... I cut my hair and i did slim down alot.. I felt better and confidence... The year when economy got better, and there was so much more bonus in my whole of the 6 years there...
I decided to go study a degree to plan for the future ( which is not so relevant yet ) , while people are happy taking their bonus to spend.. Every Penny including my monthly pay goes to my schools feels which cost $23000 in 16 months ( $1437 goes to the school fees ). I didnt know what i did it, i have never took any loan, expect for the first semester, which i took 12 months installments. Thank God, I manage to finance the degree myself. No clothes, no shoes, no makeup stuffs, limited perfume collection, saving on parking and erp.....
During the 16 months, I look so horrible.... rushing for projects, begging people to change duties or covering me duties, spend many hours in the night shift to read up and catch up on studies... working 6-7/8 weekend....... The day i know i going to received my Bachelor of commer (with double majors in Hospitality & tourism and Marketing ), everything was so worth it.. I did it with my own energy, that not much people in my work place can achieve.
Along the way, I did not have any specific goal that I wanted to achieve. Probably i am still lost and wondering somewhere in the space, and I do not like it... I do not like it when I have nothing to work on.... I feel useless and worthless which i know myself that i am quite knowlegeable and useful.....
I just felt that I motivate and influence people better than for myself... fehrin went to study mass communications, had his diploma and went into sia, probably just a slight push from me. I think i need to push people to push myself.
Today, powerpact, floreence shared how can we achive our goal like star club or MDRT with the simplest calcualtion that people tend to forget. In the current situation, Zul is doing his climb360 project, i might not be that good, but i am sure that i can do certain planning and forsee certain situation arising... Whatever that I told and calculate for him is true before I went for today's powerpact... So what did it came out from ?
YOU MUST SUCCEED BEFORE I CAN SUCCEED ! NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN !
After missing in action from the services from the Sunday's service.. Going back to be with the Lord is definately GREAT especially when you have company.... Althought BC feel more like home, somehow or rather @ Hope, certain things do speak to me ! ( Hmmm.... nope..... dun hope that i will convert there..open discussion )
Just like yesterday, the Call.. Of course, everybody has a different calling God.. Whether u are a paramedic, to help people in need, you are a police, to fight crime with partners , financial planner to do wealth management, doctors to cure sickness doing missionary...... I remembered when i applied as a paramedic, with the thousands of applications and the business background, I prayed hard everyday, I can be a paramedic, to save life and touches people life with the grace from God to do his job.... That i will be a bridge so that people can cross using me, to reach his kingdom...
Nobody say life is easy, even with some obstacles, could be how God wants us to learn, in order to be a better person in life, to ride through the storm.
I wish to teach, but not in the sense of school education.. I want to be a trainer, and keep on talking at work not personal life... Is quite tiring to talk and talk and think and think..... It really feel good not to talk and think, taking a break to see things and learn from it, and appreciate life.
While at the medical coverage for rubgy last week under the HOT HOT SUN and heat.... I learnt something, this guy was defending his team by preventing the attacking the team to score.. He pushes him down, the attacking guy slipped a little, but he continue to dash, with that little push, he score beauitful in the middle of pole ( whatever is called )..... There are times when things are down, he could have gone down without the fight, probably the goal wasnt important in the scoring, probably not everyone saw the move.. But it indeed strike me......
I should really take some time to plan for MYSELF in order for me to help people with the expertise and knowledge in according to God's plan..... Probably just gonna keep on trying till I succeed in life... in value or in respect.....
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