the crying that she dun need to hold on.

I Just fnished ah jie, and it was a good meet up... It started out from a random question, that I was curious to know if I am right about reading people. But it started from then on, I saw the tears from ah jie, and i feel like shit and oops......




Then we proceed to meet her possible future client and she was the professional, top producer self...... Her charm, her way of working, amazed me, and she has always been my idol..... I am bless cause i get to know her...


After the discussion, we went to the swimming pool, and i finally almost the details of what happen. It was like a few months, 6-9 months.... OMG.. was i the indirect cause of it ? But i am sure that i wont do it, cause it reaches my baseline.... I hate it, how could she not see... Haiz....



After much talking, finally was my turn to talk about the house. She say i might need to pay cash for the cancelling of the house. not from the downpayent. I was like fucked, why must he do this to me again and again. Want to cancel and sign, then do it fast and end it. Then he can spend his time with the gal, and i can carry on with my life..



When can't I get a reply from anything, but he can be constanly on WA....Answer... reply..
I am single yet I am binded with the contracts of the house..... He left me with no answer just like when I asked him about us then... I hate it, when I have no answer.. I couldnt plan, couldnt do anything.. yet I am left with shit...... when he simply walked out of it.... in no way, he was with me when I was down....





A man can always tell u how much they loved you, and how they wanna be with u "forever and ever"... When things happen, they turned their back against you, and make u a mess, and you suppose to smile and carry on your life as usual......... I rather know what they wanna do if things happen.. Even thou, I know threy will have no guts to tell u off straight in the face,...

Suddenly, feel like selling the car. Dun know how... He bought the car without consulting me and signed.... When shit happen, just like any normal guy.... He left without any answers, no responsibilities..... No guts.... Why is it that, I always kanna this...

Half Year Planning

Today, mark the first and longest meeting and draggy I ever attend. From 0930 to 1930 , minus the 1 1/2 hr lunch dreadful break... I felt suffocated to be seeing them for like a whole day, and even lunch was about work.. I dun know i m being sensitive or what, whatever they say is beating about the bush and directing at me.....

At 1600hrs or something like that, I was feeling giddy, restless, nothing seem to get into my ears, my brain.... My butt just could not stick to the seat... All i wanted was to hug you, and be in your arms, I missed you so much......

i didnt like the whole meeting and what it was really about, but I told myself that I need to keep a open mind... I wasted 2 years because of him, I do not want to waste my time anymore.. I waited for you days,weeks, months, and years........ I could be a more successful woman by now... I gave up to be a woman that you want me to be, and no the woman i wanted to be......

You are happy with the woman whoever she is, rubbish for you excuse..... Since you cant be bother to reply me, when u even have time to reply ppl before, after flight, even turn around or when u immediately land.... I am and was nobody to you, just some gal that pack your stuffs and send you to airport.......

I did a simple calculaion, so that I can achieve Star Club ( for awards and to be in newspaper ) for my own personal and business achievement..... I just need to close one case per week and meet one people a day for 3-4 days/weeks.... It doesnt look difficult, it certainly look easier than Isaac 15 appt/wks, of course that is x3.5, which is the MDRT also.... in 5 years time, I hope to be able to wear that jacket too..... When i did the calcuation, it i have was like, not so bad, just that i have not been doing it.... While I try to tell GZ about his climb360, and calcuation about his business, I did none for myself....... It was never about me, it was always about others..... But i know is possible..... GZ, while you make climb360 happpen, and I will make mine happen together in the journey with HIM.....

While everybody setting high goals like MDRT, which many people done it... I chose to have half play, half work... I would still love to spend time with my loved one, like mummy and Leyun.... Most of the time, nobody talks to mum nor dance with Leyun. Seeing her grow, from a baby, to siting up, crawling, standing, walking, running, learning to talk, was simply an amazing journey, even thou she is just my niece... Of course, I would love to have mine, when the Right guy is in place......


While I want to achieve to clear my car loan or even change to M3, achieve 1 ISC in 3 years times, and achieve MDRT or to have 200k to spend on a personal assest in 5 years time.... I do pray that people around me will support me in emotional and in action...

Financial Planning aint just insurance coverage... You understand it, is more than that... It is a gift of love to partners, peace of mind to depenedent, financial support for children's education... All of the above, which i never had it before....... I do hope people around it would understand and benefit.. Eventully, I might gain short term, but i dun gain from the Sum assured, In fact, i will delivering 100,000 , 200,000, 300,000 or even $1,000,000 to you or your family.......


While is a crazy week, with me falling sick and all.. GZ has been busy working....... The no. of hours he work, the point he had arrest and all, the lesser i get to see him, probably 5-15 mins was squeeze most of the day when he was on duty........ I hardly got chance to talk to him.....

;-)

Last Sunday, marked the 84th bdae of my maternal Grandfather, which we celebrate at my uncle's house. This year, all of his grandchildren are around and back, where the great grand -children are sleeping.

Grandfather is a great cook, from Hainanese chicken Rice, "Kong ba", streamboat etc, every new year is like cannot miss........ Heard him saying, he will be breathless after working a few steps... Of course lah, chronic smoker, I think he is a COPD also.... Now, the complication come... So smokers, cut down a bit lah...


I was very so tired on a Sunday, that I did not went for the dance.... I was so tired, and in the night, I felt so feverish... I felt cold, and I knew it was not because of the air-con..... A/W the crampy abdominal pain.

The next day, I went to see doctor, I had borderline fever 37.4 degree, ( but my normal temperature is 36.5, which mean i have fever ). I was given 2 days mc to rest... When i told my manage that i want to go see doctor, He ask me if I am going for the meeting at 4pm... I was like, " i see doctor for ? for fun ? take drowsy medicine again so that i can drive ?" Who is going to be responsible for me..... The last time when i had giddiness and all, I was driving around wit the drowsy medicine and working as if my mc was fake..... i THANK GOD, nothing happen to me.

Yesterday, I was given a surprise, home- made muffins and cookies, because i had fever..... So must i have fever before I can have muffins....First time, I received home made muffins...... I already ate 4..... left 2 only........

The unexpected

Just came back from PS - Dinner and catch, up with Justin Wee, Julius Eng, Johnson Siew, and Jody Qiu.. All the J-ss...It was really great catching up with you all... Justin still a physiotherapist at TTSH, going for his master soon, and be bonded for 4 years. Johnson just changed to a new job from st to jetstar asia. From "zeng" the plane, to repair the plane...... Julius is still at ST.........

Johnson shared a very interesting story with us.. It was damn fucking funny... Oh my God... Is like the highlight of the night.. Nothing beats that..

During one of the nights in April 2011, he received a call at 0230hrs

P - Where are you ?
J - at home sleeping
p - Where is your bike ?
j - downstairs
p- No, is with us...

(P is police, J is Johnson )

For a period of 6 months, his bike was used for joyride at nights without him knowing until police caught the guy at a road block when he tried to run away. He pumped his petrol full, and the guy will used until reserve just enough for him to go to petrol kiosk. It happen mostly weekend night and sometimes, the guy clock mileage about 100km. He thought it was petrol leaking, went to workshop and it was not.... Till the day the person was caught...

Justin laugh until he mention that crime watch will make a movie for him..... We even propose, u should ask the guy to pay u, and share the bill. This guy also parked his bike back to the same lot and same position for him. We say that is quite smart, instead of taking his bike for once, he used and never pump petrol, in the long run, is actually a long term savings....

Justin and ws listening to Mr Brown.

But while everything is going on. I received a msg from Justin " Toy passed away" and i was like u got to be kidding, wrong name... But i know he wont msg me for no reason. It was true. He died because of rta.... ( that's y i gave up bike after prac 5 )

The president of Harley Davidson club ( MRMC ), died in a rta.... I would not expected it from him, yet life is fragile and unexpected. I didn't like him, but i am hit hard by the news. I dun know what happen...... From some point of view, I guess to die together because of bike might be the happiest things for him. As far as i know, his mum just passed away few months back. Life can be really short..... Doctor can predict the birth of your arrival, but not your death and how ?

From a ex-paramedic view, is sad, is accident, is tragic. We indeed should treasure life. in the view of financial planning, I hope, his family is taken care of properly, financially. May God Bless upon you.

Milonguera Dancer

The Milonguera Dancer and Her Body

by Raul Cabral
"The milonguera's body is pure sensitivity. When she dances, all her senses are sharpened and channelled into her dance. She builds the structure of her body from the base, her feet. Placing her weight on her whole foot including her heels, her energy surges and she stretches her body from her waist upwards as if she were the string of a violin vibrating at the slightest touch. The milonguera is supple, but toned, soft, but with nothing loose (hips, for instance).

Her body is one, whole. She doesn't hang on her partner, weighing him down, but keeps her own balance, thus she is light. She doesn't efface herself, her presence is notable. She glues her chest to her partner's, that is all.

She is sweet through her gentleness - characterizing her femininity -moulding herself to her partner until it feels as if he were wearing her. She waits, follows, never anticipates. She comes along on his voyage, synchronizing her steps, mirroring his, never rushing. She dances close, around him, requiring little space. She neither breaks their contact nor throws her partner off balance.

Not using their embrace to stabilize herself, she keeps her body axis tilted slightly forward, even when walking backwards. Her weight is on the inside of the balls of her feet, but her whole foot, including her heels are in contact with the floor.

The milonguera knows if she separates herself from her partner, she won't get the information from his body. Therefore she is continuously tuned to the messages he emits from his chest. She feels the messages, doesn't analyze them, doesn't think about what he or she is doing.

The milonguera is pure feeling, rediscovering at every instant the magic of tango."

___________________________________________________________________

How I wish we can use this concept in the real life..... The ladies can be independent....

Learning Lesson,,,,

For the last 3 days, has been quite a learning experience.. Listen, analyse, and plan... but no action yet.......

Yesterday, was not in the best mood of socialising, of what happen in the morning. It just dampen my mood.. I rather be alone in the office enjoying the peace and quiet, while everyone is out for lunch... When they came back, I decided to lunch myself.........

I was so tired, my brain was so fried, i felt like resting but just cant fall into sleep.... Then it was so called the party time.... Since i was not in the socialise mood and i know that i need to eat before I drink to avoid gastric pain. I didn't know i can do bartender, waitress, camerawoman, drinking simultaneously.

Today, while at Robert's house at sky11, was such an wonderful experience. Show flat kind of setting, plus is the AL fresco dining and chill out area that I like. I would stay there just at the balcony for the whole day, looking out to the unblocked view... with the breeze, highly possibility of dozing off........hat irritate you.

Eating with people that click with you, even when you are not the same team, is so much so better then people in team, he same team yet irritating... simlple fact, they are just from your team, not your friends. If things happen, they just use their mouth, not actions.... I also believe, thing are done, and some are

Then came, when he asked everybody to sit at the balcony.. and it started... A visit to the house, which I though probably will end before 2200hrs, stretches....... and it feel like a powerpact or formal meeting minus the fact where is a nice place and different speaker.

The calling - the Goals...

So many thoughts and emotions coming to my mind right now.... What is it that, I dun see, to be achieving what I know i can achieve... What am i not doing not right ? I know i can do it, but it seem like as i get older, i dun seem to be so focus and fight for what I want anymore.. I simply just change my plan or do not see the goal I used to set anymore.. Where are those times when i Know what i wanted ? When i so want to get a driving license that i work part time at Quickly bubble tea as a server which pay me at $4.50 per hour so that i can learn my driving at $20 per hour. I worked like hell, carry stuffs, smell like fried chicken so that i get what i want.. I simply dun get any luxury item, all went to driving. I was even doing canoe polo at that point of time, leading as vice-captain as the female team... Things that matters to the mind seem to vanish....

I remember 2007 was also so called consider a not so smooth year for me... I had intention to leave after the 2 years bond as a operational paramedic... But at that time, BGR affected me badly, the only thing I told myself I would not drown my sorrow in Alcohol like Ling.. I went to gym so often with omar and all, sometimes alone, spending up to 1hr at the treadmills looking at the streets of orchard..... I cut my hair and i did slim down alot.. I felt better and confidence... The year when economy got better, and there was so much more bonus in my whole of the 6 years there...

I decided to go study a degree to plan for the future ( which is not so relevant yet ) , while people are happy taking their bonus to spend.. Every Penny including my monthly pay goes to my schools feels which cost $23000 in 16 months ( $1437 goes to the school fees ). I didnt know what i did it, i have never took any loan, expect for the first semester, which i took 12 months installments. Thank God, I manage to finance the degree myself. No clothes, no shoes, no makeup stuffs, limited perfume collection, saving on parking and erp.....

During the 16 months, I look so horrible.... rushing for projects, begging people to change duties or covering me duties, spend many hours in the night shift to read up and catch up on studies... working 6-7/8 weekend....... The day i know i going to received my Bachelor of commer (with double majors in Hospitality & tourism and Marketing ), everything was so worth it.. I did it with my own energy, that not much people in my work place can achieve.

Along the way, I did not have any specific goal that I wanted to achieve. Probably i am still lost and wondering somewhere in the space, and I do not like it... I do not like it when I have nothing to work on.... I feel useless and worthless which i know myself that i am quite knowlegeable and useful.....

I just felt that I motivate and influence people better than for myself... fehrin went to study mass communications, had his diploma and went into sia, probably just a slight push from me. I think i need to push people to push myself.

Today, powerpact, floreence shared how can we achive our goal like star club or MDRT with the simplest calcualtion that people tend to forget. In the current situation, Zul is doing his climb360 project, i might not be that good, but i am sure that i can do certain planning and forsee certain situation arising... Whatever that I told and calculate for him is true before I went for today's powerpact... So what did it came out from ?
YOU MUST SUCCEED BEFORE I CAN SUCCEED ! NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN !

After missing in action from the services from the Sunday's service.. Going back to be with the Lord is definately GREAT especially when you have company.... Althought BC feel more like home, somehow or rather @ Hope, certain things do speak to me ! ( Hmmm.... nope..... dun hope that i will convert there..open discussion )

Just like yesterday, the Call.. Of course, everybody has a different calling God.. Whether u are a paramedic, to help people in need, you are a police, to fight crime with partners , financial planner to do wealth management, doctors to cure sickness doing missionary...... I remembered when i applied as a paramedic, with the thousands of applications and the business background, I prayed hard everyday, I can be a paramedic, to save life and touches people life with the grace from God to do his job.... That i will be a bridge so that people can cross using me, to reach his kingdom...

Nobody say life is easy, even with some obstacles, could be how God wants us to learn, in order to be a better person in life, to ride through the storm.

I wish to teach, but not in the sense of school education.. I want to be a trainer, and keep on talking at work not personal life... Is quite tiring to talk and talk and think and think..... It really feel good not to talk and think, taking a break to see things and learn from it, and appreciate life.

While at the medical coverage for rubgy last week under the HOT HOT SUN and heat.... I learnt something, this guy was defending his team by preventing the attacking the team to score.. He pushes him down, the attacking guy slipped a little, but he continue to dash, with that little push, he score beauitful in the middle of pole ( whatever is called )..... There are times when things are down, he could have gone down without the fight, probably the goal wasnt important in the scoring, probably not everyone saw the move.. But it indeed strike me......

I should really take some time to plan for MYSELF in order for me to help people with the expertise and knowledge in according to God's plan..... Probably just gonna keep on trying till I succeed in life... in value or in respect.....