I feel stupid now.... And why didn't I just follow my heart ?
Oct 2011, I should just follow my heart and book a ticket to Argentina using the money from the car. And I actually want to try to fight for the star award and prove to him I can...
But he is always better , he prove to me I wasn't the one he want to marry and marry someone else after few months we broke off. And the wife is pregnant .... Hmmm....
After today, I feel like a idiot .... Probably spending all those money would actually make me happy then and now. I rather spend less and be happy than to be stress to be earning money. And worse to I can't even fulfill my own personal goal to Argentina. I only want to have personal goal. Business is just like Orh ok loh......
When my manager shouted at me this morning, cause he ask me called my friend, which I did.... He shouted as I was speaking to reception of orchard hotel. At the point of time, I almost snapped. I should just tell him fuck off, on what right can he stops my call. He is not my boss ...
I feel vulnerable.... The images and feeling when Justin beat me came.... The helpless ... Why did I allow him to shout at me cause I want to make a call? He is just like Justin who make me feel I am wrong who after cooling down . I am not at wrong.
He even supported him when he tried to contact me about house, which I didn't want cause he told me fuck off and didn't settle my car properly cause he was busy flying. As fast as I signed the paper thinking I should be nice to the family, as he claim his father is stress (now I know why, he was busy preparing for his shotgun marriage) he call him an say he want his policy to be terminate.
As a financial planner. I have not done anything wrong, what was done for him was good cause of his lifestyle. My boss told me he agree with Justin, we should be responsive when client call us. ( call us for ? , work , is not as If he called from hospital... He told me to fuck off then beg me to sign )
I can't have a manager who is his friend. My manager or his friend. Obviously, he is his friend, maybe money . He chase me to sign his acknowledgement of transferring everyday.
Actually, I was hoping he terminate, I don't care if it affect my persistency . I was hoping something's open to him and he can never make claim and regret. Cause he was personal against me.
Till the day, you lost the most precious object or item to u, then u all can have any rights. I pray hard the day when u can witness the day when u lose something precious in ur heart so u will be fill with guilt and retribution be with u.
You make me sick, u juy make me feel that I was beaten again. If u ever stop me from
Going Argentina. It shall not end so simple.
WRITTEN on March 4 2012 via iphone notes
Sunday night, after viewing with closing appt postponed, after hectic days at push cart. My legs are cracking with dear dear dead tired.
With me interested in listening to adele (maybe cause dear singing her songs) and sudden urge of buying albums last few days. Went into that cd shop and want to buy and realize dear got the whole albert concert in his iphone and my iPad...( like mountain turtle ).
As soon as I got home, i open my iPad and look for it. So clear on my iPad, not a waste to buy it even thou I don't use it much often. Listening to it, but just feel different and then I remember my beats... oMG, woh, damn clear, and solid, really felt in her concert. The clarity and the bass and everything ( thank you dear dear)...
I started fast forwarding as the starting was some unfamiliar songs, came to some middle and hear her talk. So funny.... Talking about her songs, that she write cause of the bastard ex, and the end of the songs, she point both middle fingers... Woh.. Powerful.....
She will explain when and roughly why the songs was created. She say she was a bitch, and don't go well with the ex... Lol...
I started to really know about her, ya I know I am slow cause I rarely explore music and singer.... I found similarity.... She is so true, emotions so true... Talented..... Her voice, the way she talk to make people laugh... But her songs, can feel her emotions....
And when she sing "someone like you" is was like Power!!! And she could wish him the best...hmm... She must have love the guy quite a lot...
And when the crowd sing together, it was so touching .... And she drop her tears..... So emotional, so touching ...
She thank this ex for changing her
Life, enjoyed being friends together ... Openly declare all thanks to this ex, how many people can do that ? Most of my ex are still food friends with me but Obviously , not JM... Truly bastard, definitely don't wish him all the best. ...
So wanna buy tickets to her concert if there is any, even malaysia or what , if she ever here...
If there is a chance , I will buy the mos expensive tickets, to see her sing...
Written on Feb 1 2012 via iphone notes
Stop asking if I want to go Munich, cause, I hate it now. Is like asking to go toa payoh, I feel sad , a house that I could have in 2 months time is no longer was destroy by 2 SIA steward and stewardness who were so horny that they cannot wait to fuck in their hotel room. (what's new)
I am so naive to believe in his lie. Or I should be happy cause he bother to lie .
I dun know why I never book tickets to Argentina in oct to go during dec. I should stop listening to Isaac and his crap, cause he has no fucking idea. Why do I chase his dream instead of my mine. I dread and I don't know what to do.Everything that is important is about him, I am sure u can earn more money from selling to him instead of my over-riding. You can't just expect me to do thing that hurt myself again and again. You don't even know what hell I went thru during the 5 1/2years. Or maybe u r those that support him in beating and abuse and etc....since u r from the same group.
. I want to be away for real. Or can I just go Thailand to hide from people for one months. Then slowly save for Argentina. Hmm....
I don't even know what I want now. I feel lost again and this time I don't have anything at all. Then, who is there ?
Written on 30 Jan 2012 via iphone Notes
I don't know how to describe this kind of feelings.I feel emotionally unbalance ESP this 6 months... Few months after we broke off, i know he got new gf... He can't be bother to be return brakes for 5 min cause he is flying ( and i bet fucking which turn up to be true ) And few months later, Xmas, saw him on new bike with the new gf. A week later on new year eve, i saw the photo of him married with full ceremony. I remember those comments and the picture, the images never go off. Even when I sleep. I got night mare about it. Whatever he say or do haunt me . When I ask u to settle the car u sign up for, just to settle the brake, u flying . When u want me to sign the documents for the house , I postponed my appt, yet still must wait for u and being accused by your parents. Wtf. When u want me to sign the house again, I ignore and disappear, how u feel, what u mean ur dad is stress. I know why now, cause u shotgun , yet this time u can come down to my house just to know on door. Don't need to fly ? All are rubbish and excuses.
Chinese new year, confirmed he got married cause he shot gun. His cock so itchy , the gal so slutty that they cannot wait to have baby.
What with the cannot change flight... No more. Forcing people in a subtle way to do what people don't want. I dun think I can ever forget the feeling and sights running down my legs... I feel so cheap....and stupid
So now, u r happy because there is a bump on the stomach... Heaven got eyes .... The world is round. I can't wait for the day.
I am not in love with him anymore. I just feel like the most stupid women in the world. I was with an bastard that lie thru straight into my eyes for 5 1/2 years . A person who never love me for who I really was...I was just someone he can make use financially when he was in ns and started flying.
I am scare to fall in love... I am
Scare to be in the same situation again. And I know that I am
Not that young.. And I dun really like to be non-disclose and guessing game.
I don't wanna to pretend to be another person that people wanna see. I am not clown.I dont wanna cry myself inside toilet cause nobody want me .. I don't wanna go thru the things that made me stupid and naive.
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