Oct 7
Hi BB,
Been a long time since u had a paragraph from me. Feel like
saying a lot of things to you,yet I also have no idea what should I say,
especially when u r leaving in like a few weeks time.
Is not
that I think you don't love me , maybe I think you don't love me enough.
Like i say before the life that you loved now is much loved by the love
of your life. So that's nothing much I can do. I know things are not
easy. And u don't want much complications. I loved you so I won't force u
to chose.
If I get pregnant the things will might change. Then is like shotgun , you don't need another xpg in your life. Ops ! BB. i love you and i really want to have it with you. Seriously, even if it mean to bring up by myself.
Furthermore,
you don't know why u want from me. Should I be your wonderful memories
or should I even try to fight hard to stay with u. It feel tiring to
fight the battle alone just by the way things are. On my part, I wish to
fight it together with you.
You being away physically was still
bearable. You being away and not being able to communicate with u is
the hardest thing. Not sure how the 2 years will go, really ! With so
much constraints from your side. Like I wonder , will we still be able to contact like how we did in Singapore.
17/10/2015 - the day BB is back ! He had told me not to go airport. In
my head, I agreed also as I do not want to jeopardize our vacation
together. But is my heart , one look at him will be good. But I was so
sleepy , that I only manage to get off the bed like 3pm. And mummy ask
me not to go gym cause is sister bdae . So I washed up, still 50/50, I
don't know to follow my heart or brain. So anyway I dress up and make
up. Heaven have to make it, I finish dinner before 7. Franky called me ,
had dinner with him. He send me to airport , while I Acc him at the
taxi q. But BB J touched down at 2003hrs. But I was thinking , if I
don't "bump" to him is good , if not let heaven decide. So while
entering the taxi Q, slowly turning , I was actually anxious as I am
worried I will miss him. The moment I was about to dropped off,is the
moment he called . He asked me where am I. And I didn't want to tell me.
He said he was at taxi stand , stunned, so am I. He said if I didn't
picked up, he would have left. So at the right time and right moment ,
around the same area. I would have been devastated to miss him. Seeing him was Aww. Finally getting to hold his hands... Finally a chance to sit down
with him . Although the I miss our sortie , but siting down has been nice enough.
bb got me a water bottle (which he said was inexpensive, omg is 49.90, I
would not pay so much for it) chocolate and my fridge magnet. I guess
being a engineer , he js really more to a practical side.
I can't believe our timing are always so close . Yet we miss the most
important timing . Why can't we know each other like 8 years ago.
Seriously , I would have love to go US with him, he will be the first
person I would be willing to cook for.
I don't know how to survive for 2 years without him physically. Not
about the sex but him providing me the hug and kisses when I am down. I
could only tell myself to book trip and look forward to it.
20/10/2015
After one month of not seeing each other, finally get to hug. So what... So what if I am lying on ur chest.
Didn't did I know , you are planning your happy life in US for next 2
years.. When I struggle alone just to think how to go visit u and
maintain our relationship. You sounded way too happy for ur upcoming
life in US , as if u can't wait to go. It wasn't about the car , I guess
u r perfectly fine without me too ...
I am tired ,tired of loving u ,tired of ur lies... Promises that doesn't
come true. Waiting and waiting for calls that doesn't ring. The feeling
of sure cold yet no one bother.
27/10/2015
Uncontrolled crying in he bus .
It because you are the love of my life, so I need to let you go today the life you loved.
Things are tough, 很舍不得你。yet I really cannot do anything. I don't know how to survive without u physically .
Non verbal communication like hug and kisses missing from the nights when we are in Pk .
28/10/2015
BB have a test tomorrow, and will be studying in mac. So I make
my way down to yishun after the gym.
Apparently someone keep appearing online instead of studying. He didn’t even
know I was there already.Other than the fact I miss him, I really need a good hug
from him. Apparently, that night I was feeling so well. Pain over my left
abdomen, and half way thru, broke into cold sweat. And I actually took taxi
home ;-(. Although we barley know each other like 3 months, when he hold my
hands, the feeling is so indescribable. I hug him super tigh that night. Miss
being in his arms.
29/10/2015
Really feel shitty and uncomfortable. Seem like the fever
came back. Slept on and off thru the morning. Then someone no warning then went
to tamp, giving me very limited time to prepare. So we took a bus tour together
to his destination. Then I went back to tampines alone. The bus trip, so
comforting to see him, to hold his hand and to lie on his shoulder.
Saw the doctor and then BB also just reach tamp after I had
my lunch. Then I ate dessert and kuah pa
tie again. someone failed his test....
Went back to my house, tried to ask him to fix my computer but then
hmmm.. It feel so nice to be in his arms, to kiss him, just to be around him. I
will super duper miss him in 2 months time, 2 years seem such a long wait for
me… I been crying and crying non stop, on the bus, and today, crying on his
shoulder… Told him I sure go into depression after xmas, and he mean the whole
world to me. As usual, someone doze off on the bus and then never text. Went
home also text twice then fall asleep.. kanna cheated again… lucky he called
early in the morning.
31/10/2015
From bedok, to raffles hotel for dim sun, to esplanade, then to bukit panjung then woodlands, Admiralty, then bishan, then paya lebar then back to bedok.. thing i do for a man I love....Those precious moments i lay in your arms, hugging you and kissing you... Is wonderful, really love you lots that I would fight for you in time to come... I want you to be happy, like a king..... to be able to do things happily and not for a reason... If it matter to you, you are the first person i would be very willing to cook for you.... Those tears in the bus are all real, cause i will really really miss you, although you will be very happy without me there..... i could do nothing except to fight for us when you are back...
